You nailed it. In third grade, my parents were told I was retarded (it was the 70s) and I would never read above a 3rd grade level. In high school, I was told, “you'll never go to college, you need to find a trade you can handle.” In fact, I flunked out of high school, so it seemed they were correct. The culprit? I can't process human language well; a nasty combination of dyslexia, dysgraphia, and almost zero directional awareness. I couldn't tell you left from right, or when “i” goes before “e”, or when to use “I” or “me”, or pretty much anything else about how to spell, use grammar, or construct a sentence.
Fortunately for me, I had two things going for me; 1) A mathematical and logic IQ in the top 0.1%; 2) No one tells me who I am, or what I can and can't do. Fast-forward, four degrees later, including a PhD in STEM, all with honors and top of my class. I mastered my situation. I did it alone, and it was brutal, long before AI (or even the Internet). Now to your point, while I have mastered language (and I'm also bilingual now), I am still incredibly slow at writing. To produce written work, I must focus and take care on a level which is exhausting. I can do it, obviously, but it's not natural, and it never will be.
Enter AI. My speed and accuracy improvement with AI is ten-fold. Now I just type, and AI corrects me as I type. It's not a crutch or an “accommodation.” I did my duty, and I went as far as I could alone, now AI takes me the rest of the way. Not only is it not a crutch, I am continuing to learn more about language, spelling, and grammar than I ever could have otherwise because now I see corrections in real time. Now, even without AI, I am better than I would have been otherwise because AI is teaching me as we go.
To the haters, you just go right on hating because here's the thing the rest of know that you don't…
No one is ever criticized by someone doing more than them.
Thanks so much for sharing Alexander. Your experience is... infuriating and vindicating and inspiring all at once. Cookie cutter environments are devastating in their harm for so many, not just neurodivergents, but definitely us.
Your story also makes me think about how growing up undiagnosed and being in the 'lost generation' had its benefits, too. On the one hand there's the deep trauma of 'thinking you're a strange horse when really you're a normal zebra*', but then there's this unrelenting drive and resilience to achieve anyway when you either decide to, or, more often, its forced on you as survival, or even some mix of both with a reasonable helping of defiance.
I commend you for what you've achieved and also give pause for all those that, for whatever mix of reasons, had similar capacities and were in circumstances like either of ours and were not able to 'succeed against the odds'. I'm cautious of celebrating 'underdogs' to the erasure of those who struggled for reasons far outside their control and were not able to achieve in similar ways, despite best efforts. Some thoughts I've been stewing on anyway. And forgive me a divergence to wax philosophical, not intended to diminish your accomplishments, but something that's been front of mind.
Academia could have been a path for me, and I couldn't hack the environment. I worked at a university for five years after undergrad and it led to a bad, long burnout. Seeing the inner workings and writing on the wall was enough to not proceed. I can imagine you may have endured quite a lot to be where you are. I'm doubly impressed at your persistence.
Thanks again for engaging. I'm really happy the piece spoke to your experience. Love the idea that "no one is ever criticized by someone doing more than them."
***
“Why do you need a label? Because there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. You can’t find community with other zebras if you don’t know where you belong. It is impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse."
-Unknown, from “Too Pretty to Be Autistic” by Kelly Stonelake
Thank you so much for this Jenn! I'm in the first big burnout of my life after spending my 20s in consulting. You give me hope that, with the right tools, systems and framings, we can not just survive, but express our full neurospicy gifts and perspectives to the world (even though it sometimes feels like the world doesn't deserve us).
hey Takim! First — thanks for being such a kind, loving, supportive presence in my substack experience. I appreciate you internet friend :)
And ya… consulting burnout for the neurocomplex. So real and messed up. Let me say emphatically that you are for sure not the problem. Sounds like you already know that, but still. Burnout and forced time out from the expected pathways can carry its own set of secondary burdens. I know for sure that the world needs your gifts and loving energy. I wish everything you need to be well resourced to bring that forward, moving forward.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and share and reflect back. Means a lot to not be putting this stuff into the void.
You nailed it. In third grade, my parents were told I was retarded (it was the 70s) and I would never read above a 3rd grade level. In high school, I was told, “you'll never go to college, you need to find a trade you can handle.” In fact, I flunked out of high school, so it seemed they were correct. The culprit? I can't process human language well; a nasty combination of dyslexia, dysgraphia, and almost zero directional awareness. I couldn't tell you left from right, or when “i” goes before “e”, or when to use “I” or “me”, or pretty much anything else about how to spell, use grammar, or construct a sentence.
Fortunately for me, I had two things going for me; 1) A mathematical and logic IQ in the top 0.1%; 2) No one tells me who I am, or what I can and can't do. Fast-forward, four degrees later, including a PhD in STEM, all with honors and top of my class. I mastered my situation. I did it alone, and it was brutal, long before AI (or even the Internet). Now to your point, while I have mastered language (and I'm also bilingual now), I am still incredibly slow at writing. To produce written work, I must focus and take care on a level which is exhausting. I can do it, obviously, but it's not natural, and it never will be.
Enter AI. My speed and accuracy improvement with AI is ten-fold. Now I just type, and AI corrects me as I type. It's not a crutch or an “accommodation.” I did my duty, and I went as far as I could alone, now AI takes me the rest of the way. Not only is it not a crutch, I am continuing to learn more about language, spelling, and grammar than I ever could have otherwise because now I see corrections in real time. Now, even without AI, I am better than I would have been otherwise because AI is teaching me as we go.
To the haters, you just go right on hating because here's the thing the rest of know that you don't…
No one is ever criticized by someone doing more than them.
Thanks so much for sharing Alexander. Your experience is... infuriating and vindicating and inspiring all at once. Cookie cutter environments are devastating in their harm for so many, not just neurodivergents, but definitely us.
Your story also makes me think about how growing up undiagnosed and being in the 'lost generation' had its benefits, too. On the one hand there's the deep trauma of 'thinking you're a strange horse when really you're a normal zebra*', but then there's this unrelenting drive and resilience to achieve anyway when you either decide to, or, more often, its forced on you as survival, or even some mix of both with a reasonable helping of defiance.
I commend you for what you've achieved and also give pause for all those that, for whatever mix of reasons, had similar capacities and were in circumstances like either of ours and were not able to 'succeed against the odds'. I'm cautious of celebrating 'underdogs' to the erasure of those who struggled for reasons far outside their control and were not able to achieve in similar ways, despite best efforts. Some thoughts I've been stewing on anyway. And forgive me a divergence to wax philosophical, not intended to diminish your accomplishments, but something that's been front of mind.
Academia could have been a path for me, and I couldn't hack the environment. I worked at a university for five years after undergrad and it led to a bad, long burnout. Seeing the inner workings and writing on the wall was enough to not proceed. I can imagine you may have endured quite a lot to be where you are. I'm doubly impressed at your persistence.
Thanks again for engaging. I'm really happy the piece spoke to your experience. Love the idea that "no one is ever criticized by someone doing more than them."
***
“Why do you need a label? Because there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. You can’t find community with other zebras if you don’t know where you belong. It is impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse."
-Unknown, from “Too Pretty to Be Autistic” by Kelly Stonelake
Thank you so much for this Jenn! I'm in the first big burnout of my life after spending my 20s in consulting. You give me hope that, with the right tools, systems and framings, we can not just survive, but express our full neurospicy gifts and perspectives to the world (even though it sometimes feels like the world doesn't deserve us).
hey Takim! First — thanks for being such a kind, loving, supportive presence in my substack experience. I appreciate you internet friend :)
And ya… consulting burnout for the neurocomplex. So real and messed up. Let me say emphatically that you are for sure not the problem. Sounds like you already know that, but still. Burnout and forced time out from the expected pathways can carry its own set of secondary burdens. I know for sure that the world needs your gifts and loving energy. I wish everything you need to be well resourced to bring that forward, moving forward.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and share and reflect back. Means a lot to not be putting this stuff into the void.